It is a Sisyphean task to climb the mountain of success and acceptance if you are clothed in sadness and self loathing. I know. I learned from experience.
Each day would make that cloak heavier and more foul, yet I would resignedly awake to put it on again and again.
Closer Look at Friday Moon
With prodigious amounts of various elixirs, I could ignore the stench of self pity and proudly imagine that being miserable was a badge of honor. At least until the euphoria vanished along with what little money and imagined self respect I might have had for a brief flickering moment.
It took a lot of years, many helpful people and renewing my subscription to the cosmic consciousness before I could shed my cloak of sorrow. No man or woman could stop me from digging a deeper hole once I had fallen to the bottom. It took what the big book of AA calls acquiescing to a higher power, as I recall.
I didn’t realize how much the alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes had altered my brain chemistry, and consequently my inner voice. It has taken several years of not introducing their influence in my cellular structure to find a bit of clarity.
Beauty in the midst
Lies, denial, and misbehaving were so easy with the chemicals in my blood, brain cells and spirit, that I never gave any weight to the suggestions that I was doing physical and psychological harm to myself and others.
I was living high in the moment, denying I was a hustler while I was hustling. I still find character flaws that I didn’t know I have. That’s part of my cost of admission to peace of mind, spiritual fitness and feeling good.
Sunday moon close up
For some reason, I was compelled to write about this part of my life as today’s post. I hope it helps you, me and some people we know and love.